The 5 stages of getting over an arsehole!

If getting dumped was an Olympic sport I’d be bringing home the gold for our Emerald Isle. We all know by this stage that I’m a fucking pro at it and I’m sure I’m not the only one. We all have our own ways of dealing with this shit, whether it’s drinking ourselves into oblivion for a few weeks, crying into a 3n1 followed by a tub of Ben & Jerrys while listening to Adele, or plotting to ruin that cunt’s life.

We’ve all been there.

I’m still fucking there because I spent the last 5 months riding someone in work for lunch every day.

But here are the 5 stages I’ve faced through many of my trials and tribulations.

1)      Denial – The “What the fuck just happened” phase.

So he’s just hit you with the “I need to sort my head out” and “I’m no good for you” bollox and you feel like a 77a has hit you at 100mph. Denial is not just a river in Egypt my friend. Sure how could you not be in denial. The cunt now saying this to you probably rode you this morning and was telling you he loved you “so much it hurt” last night and now you’re looking at the double blue tick on WhatsApp wondering What The Fucking Fuck?

Welcome to Dumps Ville Hun, Population YOU!

2)      Snappin – The “Is he for fucking real” phase.

This stage usually involves 2759 messages in the Huns WhatsApp group and you’ve sent about 2753 of them!

Questions like:
Why can’t I see his WhatsApp last seen?”
“Has he fucking blocked me?”
“Has he tweeted anything today?”
“Is he still your friend on Facebook cause he blocked me!”
“What dya mean he liked her status?”
“Is this ugly fuck for real”
“Who the fuck does he think he is!”
“He’s online who the fuck is he replying to?”
“I’m going around there to run that cunt down, who’s coming?”

You’ve gotten your Huns involved and every one of you are now online doing more investigating than you ever thought possible. You’ve ended up on his best friend’s girlfriend’s best mate’s page cause your Huns have convinced you he’s obviously riding someone else and you vaguely remember him liking her status on November 9th 2014.

You’re all sitting around your phones, laptops, tablets daring him to post a status or like someone’s pic on Instagram.

You’re OBSESSED.

This is all you can talk and think about.

You’re checking his WhatsApp last seen every 5 minutes.

3)      Devooo – The “I thought he loved me” phase.

All your anger has now turned to absolute total devastation and you are a fucking wreck. You miss him terrible. You don’t even want to get out of bed, what’s the point when it’s not to go see him?! You spend hours reading over his messages, going through all the selfies you sent each other trying to figure out how and where this all went wrong. And you’re starting to blame yourself.

Is it cause I Immac’d my Ronnie in front of him?
Is it cause I didn’t like Star Wars?
Is it because I kept threatening to fist him when he annoyed me?

WHY WON’T HE JUST LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep down you know it’s none of the above and it comes down to the fact that’s he’s a complete cunt but you’ve convinced yourself you’re incapable of love and that you’re going to die alone surrounded by cats.

You’re sobbing your eyes out at anything and everything. You’ve cried in work, at the window of the McDonald’s drive through and you’ve lost half a stone in snot alone.

You’re remembering all the things you used to do together and convincing yourself you can’t do any of these things again because they remind you of HIM. You don’t even want to eat…..Remember how you ate dinner together sometimes? You even miss that!

You’re still checking his WhatsApp last seen every 5 minutes.

4)      Revenge – The “Head High Hun” phase.

You wake up one morning and think ‘fuck him’. He’s nothing without me.

You and your girlos plaster every night out all over every social media site there is. You upload a selfie every day of you looking hunreal. Your clothes are stunning, you’ve probably dyed your hair (He obviously didn’t love you because of the colour of your hair) and you’ve lost a few lb through the grieving process (I’ve lost 12st6lb of OAP to be exact). Your Snapchat story is 423 seconds long. You’re posting inspirational “Good Riddance” quotes left, right and centre and all you and your Huns do on Facebook is talk about nights out and that week in Ibiza you just booked because you’re finally free, single and ready to mingle. You post the standard “living for the weekend” status every Thursday knowing that even though he’s blocked you he’ll still see it somehow. Your songs of choice on karaoke are Cher – Strong Enough and Beyoncé – Irreplaceable.

You’ve only managed to send him 50 “you out tonight” texts on the way home from all these nights out and you only woke up in his porch once.

You now refer to him as “IT” or “that thing” because he doesn’t deserve a name.

You are living the “dream” and posting one stunning selfie after another is defo gona hit that prick where it hurts.

But you’re still checking his WhatsApp last seen every 5 minutes.

5)      Acceptance – The “I’m over you and you know it so you’re going to text me now and tell me you’re sorry to mind fuck the life out of me” phase.
You’re sitting in work one day and you realise “I haven’t checked his last seen since last Tuesday” and without even realising it, you’re over it. You’ve done it. You’ve realised there and then that that thing is a prick, a bastard, a horrible little pox and you had a lucky escape. He’s not the person you thought he was and you pity the next Hun he climbs on top of who has to fake her way through an orgasm every time he rides her and you secretly hope he catches the Aids. Life is great.

It’s right at this stage that the profile pic of him that you loved on the beach with his Pina Colada from your holiday in May will pop up on your phone followed by a message that says “Can we talk“, “Hey, how are things” or “I’m so sorry for everything and I want you back“.

The appropriate response to any communication from IT at this stage is “Die“, nothing else, just one word, “Die“.

You’ve come this far, don’t let him mind fuck the life out of you to tell you in 3 months time he needs space all over again. Don’t let him suck you back in with memories of all the good times you had before. Stay strong and think of all the times he couldn’t get it up.

If you have any cop on at all you’ll run a mile. And if you’re half the cunt I am, you’ll ride his best mate.

Stay Stunnin Huns

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